


Say It

by wheezybeaver



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Coming Out, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, POV Eddie Kaspbrak, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-02 10:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16303355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheezybeaver/pseuds/wheezybeaver
Summary: Eddie debates whether or not to tell Richie his secret.Spoiler alert, he does.





	Say It

Eddie stared at those russet brown eyes. They were set on something off in the distance, maybe a family taking their evening stroll, maybe a car driving by, maybe the boy was just thinking. It was something he didn’t know, something he would never know because he didn’t (couldn’t) look away from his face to check. His friend’s hair hung messily around those oversized glasses of his that made his eyes look even larger than they already were, like two microscopes were taped together and set on his face. On his cheeks he had freckles that resembled the stars in space. Sometimes he would find himself trying to figure out if they connected in some way. He wondered if he should tell him right then and there but put it off. _Don’t be stupid_ , he thought as he turned away, embarrassed that he had stared for so long. He couldn’t help it. How was he supposed to push down his feelings when they scratched and clawed at his heart, sobbing out in pain, whenever they saw each other?

The wind blew softly, somehow almost easing his nerves. He could smell the faint scent of past rain, past memories of the town. They sat on a bench shaded from the newly blazing sun. As the shorter boy gripped onto the baby blue umbrella sitting next to him on the bench, he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he gave away his secret. Would Richie push him away? Accuse him of being sick, like his mother? Or would he treat him the same way he always did, like he had no personal space? Would he stop touching Eddie all together, the hugs and the cheek-kisses? He had read somewhere that it’s not good to keep emotions bottled up because the person could explode at any moment. Whoever said that was most likely right, but it all seemed too sudden, too risky. Why ruin a good thing? He wanted to still be able to hold his hand and cuddle while they're watching movies. He was afraid that Richie wouldn't want to do that any more when he knew. Maybe it was wrong to appreciate his gestures as more than friendly.

He absentmindedly glanced back over at him. A small smile shone across the taller boy’s face as he closed his eyes.

_Should I say it?_

“It’s nice out today, huh?” Richie said, leaning back against the bench. His eyes opened and met his friend’s.

His own eyes widened a little because he was so caught up in his thoughts that he forgot that hanging out with someone meant you had to talk to them, and not stare at them like a total freak. _Don’t say it_ , something spat out in the back of his mind, the same thing that warned him when he was being too much or too little, that told him that it wasn’t okay to be himself. The thing that was holding him back.

His hand gripped tighter on the navy blue umbrella. _Say it,_ something else said.

“Eds, are you okay?” his ‘more than just a friend’ friend asked.

_Do it._

He took a deep breath, gathering everything he wanted to say, but he only found a few words that described how he was feeling. They were embarrassing but he realized he shouldn’t be afraid of them anymore. If they changed things, so be it. He didn't want to hide anymore. He didn't want to be someone who he wasn't. And his friend. Richie, his best friend in the entire world, wouldn't hate him for it. At least he hoped so. Maybe he had a hidden side to him, maybe if he told his secret he would be laughed at and taunted. Maybe-

 _It's Richie,_ he reminded himself. He dug his nails into the umbrella.  _Say it_ , he chanted to himself over and over. He should say it. He _would_ say it.

“I’m in love with you,” he whispered just loud enough to be heard. He could feel his lips twitch down, a telltale sign that he was starting to cry. His eyes burned but he wouldn't let any hot tears fall, because he wasn't a crybaby. He stared at the ground, seconds, maybe minutes of silence passing. He felt anger boiling up inside of him because, _just say something. Anything._ He didn't care if it was good or bad. His breathing picked up and he thought he might have to reach for his inhaler, which he hadn't used in years. A stubborn tear squeezed out of his eye. He swiped it away and let out a silent sob. What was he doing, messing up their friendship like that? He had no right. He should've just told him he was gay and be done with it.

His eyes seemed to have a mind of their own and peeked next to him. His best friend sat there, mouth slightly agape. His eyes were glued to Eddie's face, flickering around. His hands, which were usually fidgeting, were planted down, one on the armrest of the bench, the other holding onto his own umbrella next to him. Eddie fixated his gaze on that. It had an old-fashioned look, due to the curved handle. The pattern on it had leaves and flowers on it just like one of Richie's Hawaiian shirts. Eddie had actually bought the umbrella for him a few months prior, because Richie didn't have one and Eddie was worried he would get sick from walking in the rain all the time. When he had brought it to school for him Richie grabbed him and kissed his temple, smiling wide and saying _thank you,_ and,  _I love you_ , over and over again. Of course Eddie pushed him away and said  _shut up, just take the umbrella._

Richie would always do things like that, and it made him confused. Eddie hadn't noticed it until their friends had mentioned it. Best friends don't cuddle and give soft kisses and flirt. If anyone saw them together they would most likely assume they were a couple.  _A couple_ , Eddie thought. He felt his heart clench at the idea. It was something that he wanted  _so_ bad, but he couldn't have it. Richie would grow up and marry someone like Beverly one day. Someone who was beautiful and funny, someone who didn't have an overprotective mother and wasn't a germaphobe. A girl. Richie would marry a girl.

Eddie felt more tears escape his eyes. He stood up, clutching his umbrella to his side. He felt disgusting. Not physically, but in his mind he felt like something was wrong with him. Despite that, he wanted to go home and take a long shower. As if that would fix anything.

He took a quick step away from the bench, only to be stopped by a hand on his wrist. If he was in a crowd he would've immediately known it was Richie. Large hands, but thin fingers, accompanied by gentle grip. It was barely a grip, just a delicate clasp of his fingers, showing no aggression behind his actions.

Eddie stood frozen, afraid that if he turned around Richie would be laughing at him, his beautiful smile used for sinister reasons. He couldn't stop the flow of tears from dripping down and wetting his sweatshirt. He felt Richie slide his hand down, pressing their palms together. He was holding his hand. Eddie knew he shouldn't take comfort in it, but their hands felt right together. He let his eyes flutter shut. This might be the last time they got to do this.

"Eds," Richie said, from behind him. His tone didn't sound mocking or angry. It was almost sad, pleading. It sounded like he was desperately trying to contact him even though Eddie was right there. His voice alone made vomit burn at his throat.  _Eds, please tell me it isn't true. Please tell me you aren't a fag._ Was that what he was going to say? He felt Richie stand up and place his other hand on his cheek, trying to make them meet eyes. But, Eddie couldn't. He couldn't deal with the fact that his best friend might act just like his mother. Richie wouldn't do that, would he? Eddie thought all the way back from when they had met in kindergarten, to the moment he was currently in. Not once had Richie ever treated him badly. Eddie hung on to this thought as his eyes slowly moved up to meet Richie's.

His best friend's eyes were teary.  _Is he that disappointed?_ Eddie thought, before noticing the smile on his lips. "Really? You're in love with me?" He looked happy, almost relieved.

Eddie wasn't sure what was going on, but he slowly nodded. 

"Shit, actually?" His smile grew wider and he put his other hand on Eddie's other cheek.

"I don't understand," Eddie said quietly.

"Well...here." Richie's smile slowly shrank as he started to bend down, bringing his face closer.  _What is he doing?_ His eyes were fluttering closed, covering up the russet color.  _Is he...Are we-_ He could feel his lips warming from his breath. There was a pause, just before they met. Richie peaked through his eyelids, allowing Eddie to see something in them, an unspoken conversation. It looked like he was hesitant, asking _is this okay, do you want this?_ And  _yes, this is okay, yes this is what I want_ , he wanted to say, so he closed his own eyes, hoping Richie got it. There was a silence, enough to make him worry, until he felt the soft press of lips on his own.

Eddie knew then. He knew why Richie let them hold hands. He knew why they always sat pressed together on movie nights. He knew why Richie would always tease Eddie more than the others. It all made sense. Tears of relief streamed down his cheeks. He dropped his umbrella, making it thump against the grass, then reached up and grabbed the collar of Richie's jacket, pulling him closer. Their mouths moved in sync, almost like they had done it before. His face was still being cradled by Richie's hands, his thumbs movie back and forth slightly. He felt a wetness and opened his eyes to see Richie was crying.

He pulled away slowly, eyebrows furrowing. "Why're you crying?" 

Richie smiled. "I didn't think you would ever like me like that. I'm just happy. Really fuckin' happy," he said.

Eddie smiled wide as he started talking. "Me too."

Richie looped his arms around him, pulling Eddie into a hug. Eddie automatically reciprocated, gripping onto the back of Richie's jacket. He couldn't believe what was going on. All he knew was that he was overwhelmingly happy. 

"I knew you couldn't resist some Tozier-lovin', Spaghetti," Richie said quietly.

Eddie let out a laugh. "Fuck off."


End file.
